Fineliner on acetate paper, on wood & acrylic lightbox.
I was in my first relationship, when we fell in love it felt like a deep rush. Like we were speeding and colliding and passing through each other; those moments we aligned felt like a point of telepathy. The love felt monumental, like everything I had ever lived through were building blocks and pillars to loving him. 6 months in, we were fighting weekly. I felt desperate to be in tune with him again. We were both pushing and pulling to figure things out, but it felt like a block was between us. I was desperate to pass through it. Desperate in the way that you know you shouldn't be, because on some level you already know it's not working, which makes your resolve seem even more desperate.
In response:
I pulled up a website that could auto-generate large mazes with 2 entrances.
I placed acetate paper over the mazes.
Our goal was to meet from the entrances to the middle, where there was a little gap in the path. I prompted us both to try and get through the maze as quickly as possible.
I drew with an orange liner and he with blue.
If either of us hit a wall, we would both stop, and begin a new map with a new sheet of acetate.
After 10 rounds, I compiled the paths we had made and superimposed them on each other.
I decided this needed to be on a lightbox.
Me and my boyfriend collaborated on the lightbox together too. I designed it, while he built it for me. But even then, we would fight. I would get disappointed because each version wouldn’t come out the way I had envisioned, and he would get frustrated and tell me things I envisioned weren’t possible. At least not with how little we had access to. I guess that was the crux of our whole relationship. We were both students; young, broke, mentally ill, neurodivergent, with generational trauma and no therapy. We were working hard for the love between us, but so many other factors meant we couldn’t make each other happy.
But by the end of the lightbox’s construction, I figured to be happy with what he had given me - I found joy in all the tweaks and compromises of the outcome. I was reminded by my peers how special it was to be intimately collaborative with someone like that. That both our hands marked it and built it. That this creation was an act of vulnerability, intimacy, connection, love in itself. A lot of people don't get to do this kind of thing with the person they love. I look back and I don't know if this brought us closer. I did want it to. I guess it was that push and pull.
This piece depicts the labour we endure in order to maintain our connection. The paths we take to become close again, to meet in the middle. That we fight again and again for it. That we aim for it blindly. That we are desperate to do so.